-must be exceptional in thought and action
-following all commandments
-be very close to the Lord
-make a "celestial" father
-have a deep concern for other people.
On a Date
I will:
1. Not invite parking or petting and refuse to do so
2. Always remember who I am and remember that "if my
future husband were to see me now would he still love and be proud of me?"
3. Keep my morals high
4. Respect him and his wishes
5. Not let my own personal problems keep him from having a pleasant evening.
6. Remain a lady
7. Do what he wants to do even if I don't want as long as it is in keeping with the standards I have set
8 Be myself
9. Only date people I would want to marry.
Summary of Suzanne's Beaus:
Brian Horspool (first love)
Suzanne called Marie
Freshman and Sophomore in HS
Met in seminary
Brian's younger brother Dave
Brian is 22, much older than Suzanne
Great dancer
Served in Viet Nam
Drank and did drugs
Didn't invite him to Sadie Hawkins Dance
Gets busted for drugs
Terry Blocker(second love)
Suzanne: Suzanne
Terry goes on a 2 year mission and Suz writes to him
He comes back and is not the same
Chris (third love)
Suzanne: Sue
Terry is on a mission.
Chris is a non member, Church of Christ
Chris has a member friend
Nicest young man she had ever met
Went for weeks without calling her
Chris is not interested in the church
1973 a year before Kent
Her missionary Terry came home
Suzanne talks to the head of the Visitors Center
Brad (fourth love)
Met summer 1972
Date in 1973
Brad's friend is Jack
Met at a Regional YA Activity
Went with him summer 1973 and while at BYU
Brad has a garden
He lost feeling for Suzanne
Had picnic in Provo Canyon
Garden Strangled with Weeds
Christ Bertleson (dated, not in love)
Suzanne is herself
Chris is from Sweeden
Suzanne does missionary work with him while at BYU
They go out and he joins the church
Fall/ 1973, Spring 1974
He writes to congratulate her on her marriage and later when married, he marries and has children
Johanna says all of Suzanne's old boy friends come to her wedding reception.
1970 Brian
When someone I am very close to, Marie, was a freshman and sophomore in high school, she developed a big crush on Brian, an older LDS boy in a ward that shared the same building as hers. He would show up for seminary with his younger brother Dave, and visit with her in the church patio before, after, and sometimes during seminary, then give Marie, her best friend Linda, his brother Dave, and Dave's girlfriend Marcia, a ride to school in his new yellow Camaro.
Brian was 22 years old, and had recently returned from serving in the Marines in Viet Nam. Since he was older and so much more experienced than all the other boys at school and church, he seemed so much more fascinating to Marie and her best friend, Linda, a great surfer, had a marvelous tan, gorgeous thick blond hair, and sometimes grew a mustache and beard, he sang in a rock band with his brother Dave and some other LDS youth and was the best dancer that Marie had ever seen. Break-dancing was popular even then, and when Brian met Marie at school and church dances, everyone cleared the floor to watch them dance together. Everyone soon accepted Brian as Marie's guy, and it gave her a tremendous source of pride to show him off to her school friends.
While in Viet Nam, Brian had begun drinking and doing drugs, and while he never did this in front of Marie and Linda, it was nevertheless common knowledge among the kids at church, it was rumored that several boys in his ward , particularly his brother and the guys in the rock band, began to pick up the same habits. Somehow, these things just added to his sophistication and worldly mystique. Marie's parents did not approve of Brian, and so Marie usually arranged to meet him without telling her parents.
A few months before Marie turned 16, the high school sponsored a Sadie Hawkins Dance, and everyone, including Brian assumed that she was going to ask him to go with her. She hadn't figured out how she was going to get around her parents No-Dating-Until-Sixteen Rule, but she imagined that she could easily meet him at her girlfriend Linda's. As the time drew nearer for the dance, however, Marie's conscience began to bother her. Mentally she began comparing him to another young man in her ward who was a priest and senior in high school. This young man, whose name was Ken, was president of his seminary class and active in school politics. He was wholesome and clean cut, and every Sunday worthily blessed the Sacrament. Even though Marie rarely talked or associated with Ken, she watched him every Sunday sitting up at the Sacrament table, so handsome in his suit and his humble but confidant manner, and in her heart she yearned to have a boyfriend like him. The Sunday before the dance she asked Ken after church if he would go with her. He said that he would think about it and let her know. Well, the next morning, at seminary, Ken told Marie that he decided no, and did not tell her why. Marie thought that it was because he was hoping another girl in the ward would ask him. Although she was mortified, she knew that Brian was still expecting her to ask him. She debated in her mind whether or not to go ahead and ask Brian as her second choice, her best friend Linda came up to her and asked... .are you going to ask Brian or aren’t you? Because, if you're not, I wondered if it would be alright with you if I asked him to go with me?"
Marie thought about this a bit, and knew that if she told Linda to go ahead and ask Brian, that she would probably end up staying home that night, one of the few girls in the church and school who did. But she also knew that in her heart she had made a commitment to like the kind of young man that Ken represented, and be the kind of girl that he would like to go with, even though he had turned her down. So she pretended that she didn't care and told Linda to go ahead.
That Saturday night Marie stayed home with her family, washed her hair, went to bed early, and tried not to feel sorry for herself. She comforted herself with the knowledge that the next day she could call Linda and she would tell her everything that happened.
The next morning in church, Marie did not see Linda, so she anxiously called her when she got home, only to find out that Linda had spent the night in jail! and had only just been released. It seems that Linda's parents had let her go on a double date with Brian and his brother Dave and Dave's girlfriend Marcia, all of whom were LDS, even though Linda was not 16 yet. They had had a wonderful time at the dance, and after wards, went to Taco Bell. About 1 am, a police car pulled up beside them and the police searched them and the car and found some marijuana and other drugs in the trunk. They impounded the car and threw all of them in jail. They separated the boys and girls and put them in separate drunk tanks--one for men and the other for women. Linda described the terror she and Brian felt spending the night in this dismal room with prostitutes, drunks, and drug addicts, the vomit on though floor, the graffiti on the walls, the bare light bulb, exposed toilet, the foul language of the occupants, the humility of being thoroughly searched by female police officers etc. These two LDS girls, who had gone with LDS boys whom they knew had bad standards, huddled together in a corner of the jail and sang primary songs together throughout the remainder of the night, until their parents could come and get them. Charges against the girls were dropped, but Brian faced some years in jail and several thousand dollars in fines because this was a second offense for him.
Marie was stunned. She went outside to climb an old avocado tree and ponder this while waiting for her father to get home so she could tell him. Suddenly the standards that her parents upheld seemed less restrictive and more protective than ever. As she pondered this and prayed to ask the Lord to bless and help Brian, she began praying for herself too, as she realized how close she had come to spending the night in jail instead of Linda. She knew that she had no business even associating with a boy like Brian, and the more she thought about it, the harder she began to pray for the Lord's help in her life for the first time— Then as still as a summer's day, she felt the Lord speak peace to her mind and spirit, and assure her that he had been with her in the past, was with her now, and would still be with her in the future. This was a turning point in Marie's life and personal standards. A few months later she began to go with a young man who was preparing himself to go on a mission.
1972 August 25, 3 a.m. Dinkey Creek
Dear Terry Blocker
What in the world am I doing writing a letter at this time in the morning. Well, it's a long story.
I'm still up at Dinkey Creek. We'' be leaving Saturday morning (26th). Dinkey Creek is really Fresno Municipal camp. About 20 families in our stake rented it for the week. And I AM BORED OUT OF MY GOURD! There are only 3 other kids my age and older....one's married, one left 2 days ago and the other is square much like my brother. I'm surprised he isn't. All he ever does is play chess all day long anyway (what a drag).
The surroundings up here are beautiful - clear blue skies, tall pine trees, creeds and fresh water ponds to swim in, a big full moon every night etc. It's great if your a little kid "cuz there's millions of other little kids to play in the dirt, mud water with. Or if I were 14 like my little sister I could follow all the 15, 15 year old guys around and giggle and be really dumb. Or if I were an adult I could sit around the campfire at night singing old songs, tell jokes and stories and reminisce about the good old days, and crochet or play horseshoes by day.
Well i figured if you can't beat 'em join 'em. so I had my first motorcycle lesson and learned how to ride it...in first gear only. Next lesson, I learn how to shift gears and let out the clutch without killing it., I played a ping pong tournament and lost twice to two girls, both younger and half my size. I sit around the campfires and occasionally even contribute a dead joke. I even sit i the dirt and the mud and the water and play with the little kids; Oh! I'll have you know my team won in volleyball twice.
Tomorrow (oops! today) I'll have a chess lesson, toss a few horseshoes and maybe just maybe I'll take up crocheting. Don't get your hopes up, though. (Sorry this writing is weird, but it's hard to write in bed by flashlight). Anyhow even with this I'm still bored. I can't stand not doing things or having to do things or something. So another girl and I put our heads together and planned some fun. We got all the kids together and played some games like spoons, jynx up, water balloon toss and a tug of war (with a mud puddle in the middle). For prizes we have whip cream, shaving cream spray cans, water guns and water balloons and we all had a rip roaring fight. then, when every one was plastered, we all ran down to the creek and jumped in, clothes and all. Above the creek there's a steep wall of rick and we climb up there and jump off. You might think you';ll hit bottom since the deepest part of the ponds about 4 feet but you don't.
So why 3 am.? I'm waiting at the hour for your letter. well after skits tonight. Delp and I ran to the store bought some toilet paper and are waiting for everybody to get really deep in sleep, then we'll plaster the place. Maybe it's dumb but when your desperate for anything. Don't make the mistake of confusing fun with immaturity. there's quiet a difference. Well it's time to wake up and get busy. Good Bye Suzanne.
In the meantime, Terry, her missionary, came home. But instead of being the "ideal" young man that she had imagined him to be for two years, she found him to be unpredictable and emotionally unbalanced as he went through a severe personality adjustment after his mission. He either went for weeks without calling her or seeing her, or else he followed her around like a puppy and played practical jokes on her. She was quickly becoming disgusted with him, and more and more in love with Chris.
Chris
1973 (Written in 1985)
Chris
I have a good friend. named Sue, who when she was a senior and Laurel in High School looked forward to the return of a special young man from his mission. She had written to him for nearly two years, and when she became discouraged with the "slim pickings' in the dating scene, she kept reminding herself about Terry, her missionary, whom she had put on a pedestal of ideal manhood.
A few months before Terry came home from his mission, Sue went to a regional youth dance and met Chris, a fine non-LDS young man who had come with his best friend who was a return missionary. Sue was immediately drawn to him, his athletic good looks, wholesome manner, and sensitive, thoughtful actions. She invited him to attend church with her and have dinner with her family. They soon began to see a great deal of each other. he always treated her with respect and tenderness, more so in fact than any other boy that she had ever dated. He never pushed himself on her like some LDS boys that she had dated, but when he walked her to the door (always before her parents wanted her in) he would gently squeeze her hand, or lightly kiss her cheek and tell her how much he appreciated her and enjoyed her company. He seemed very mature, confident, honest, kind, and had a very charitable attitude towards others, especially those who needed help. As often as possible Sue discussed the gospel with Chris, who had begun the missionary discussions in their home of his return missionary best friend. Chris had been raised in t he Church of Christ, believed in God, had very high Christian principles, and was open and receptive to gospel discussions. Sue took him to the Visitor's Center and he was very moved by the spirit and message there, and wrote on the guest register underneath the section for comments--"Absolutely Beautiful!" Sue found herself caring for him very deeply.
In the meantime, Terry, her missionary, came home. But instead of being the "ideal" young man that she had imagined him to be for two years, she found him to be unpredictable and emotionally unbalanced as he went through a severe personality adjustment after his mission. He either went for weeks without calling her or seeing her, or else he followed her around like a puppy and played practical jokes on her. She was quickly becoming disgusted with him, and more and more in love with Chris.
In the meantime Chris, who showed that he really cared for Sue and was sweetly attentive to her, was less and less inclined to discuss the gospel and began changing the subject when she brought up the church. His return missionary friend told Sue that Chris began missing his missionary discussions, was not following through on his Book of Mormon reading assignments, and did not seem to be praying about the gospel even though he would commit to do so with the missionaries. In fact, Chris seemed to be taking the church very lightly now. To make matters worse, Sue's parents, who had always been uneasy about her dating Chris, began pressuring her to quit seeing him unless he showed greater interest in the church and set a date for baptism. In an effort to encourage Chris, Sue began to seriously study and read through the Book of Mormon for the first time in her life. She read every church pamphlet she could get her hands on, several church books, and began earnestly praying about the prophetic calling of Joseph Smith and the divinity of the Book of Mormon. She wept when she read of Jesus blessing the little children and how they were encircled by fire, ministered to by angels, and prophesied to their astonished parents in 3 Nephi. She remembers vividly when the Spirit bore witness to her-- as clearly as the Sun's rays break trough dark storm clouds-- that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. She knew it because she knew that his revealed knowledge that God was an exalted man and our literal Father in Heaven was true. It was natural to believe this because she had a great priesthood leader for her father. And she was concerned because her patriarchal blessing warned her not to be satisfied with a man who did not hold the priesthood.
In desperation she made an appointment with the president of the visitor's Center at the Los Angeles Temple. He was a great speaker and had brought many young people into the church. For three hours the visitor's Center president discussed the gospel, and Sue bore her testimony, but Chris was quiet and unresponsive. On the way home she asked him if he would fast and pray with her for three days while studying the Book of Mormon; reluctantly Chris agreed.
During this time, Sue really prayed that the Lord would bear witness to Chris Of the truthfulness of the gospel, telling Heavenly Father what a fine young man she knew Chris to be. The evening of the third day, Chris picked her up and took her out to dinner. At first he was very quiet, then he began to talk about Mother Teresa, and all the other great and good people in the world who were not members of the church. When questioned about whether be had prayed and read the Book of Mormon during the last few days he said no, that he hadn't.
He could not accept our claim to be the Lord's only true church when there were so many good Christian people who – were not members of it. He said that he loved Sue and accept3ed her and respected her belief, why couldn’t she do the same for him? How we expect courtesy and respect from others that we won’t afford them?
With sickness of heart, Sue realized that Chris was not going to seriously investigate the gospel, that he had turned his heart against it. On the way home, she related some of the marvelous Book of Mormon stories and teachings that she had discovered in her reading, in hopes that it would encourage him to eventually study it himself. When she got home, she went up to sit on her parents bed where her father was reading the scriptures, and began to cry on his shoulder. He told her that perhaps at this time, Chris was not one of the Lord's sheep, since he was not responding to the Lord's voice. Sue could not go to sleep that night until she found this scripture in 2 Nephi 27:35--"They also that erred in spirit shall come to understanding and they that murmured shall learn doctrine' --and she felt comforted with the feeling that eventually Chris would accept the gospel. Over the next few weeks, when Chris called she told him that she was not available to see him, and soon he stopped trying.
She determined to take an institute class over the Summer so that she could learn more about the gospel and meet more LDS youth. Six months later she called Chris up to come get some records that he had left there, and to make sure that there were no hard feelings. He said that he understood, that his return missionary friend had explained to him that she had a commitment to marry in the temple. Sue told him that he was the nicest young man that she had ever known, and she sadly watched him drive off.
One a year later she sat next to her future husband in Church Education Week during the Summer, and they were married in the Los Angeles temple 5 months and 4 days later. Today they are the parents of 4 beautiful children, and are very active in the church.
Brad
A Garden, Strangled by Weeds English 111, 1973
My dear,
I have been very concerned lately about the complete change that has come over you in the last few months. Indeed, I think a better word to describe how I have been feeling is disturbed, so much so, that I have not been able to eat, sleep, do schoolwork, or anything of the last three weeks. I have met a very sensitive, deeply spiritual and emotional young man whom I loved very much and who was striving very hard to live as his Father in Heaven would have him, seems to become absolutely unreasonable, hard and very proud, oblivious to any point of view other than his own selfish ambitions.
I remember the first time I met you. It was at a Regional Young Adult activity last July. You were squatting on the ground during the lunch box auction by your friend Jack and you both glanced over at me. Your friendly, easy-going smile and twinkling blue eyes deeply impressed me. It seemed forever until we finally got around to introducing our selves before the evening was over. I asked you what your plans for the future were and you replied, to be a good member of the church. I started to explain what I had meant by the question when it occurred to me what could be more important than your answer? The rest of the evening passed too quickly. It seemed there wasn’t anything we didn’t have in common, even in the books we were reading. I was touched by your patriotism, love of freedom and keen interest in American’s history and destiny; your tremendous desire to serve the Lord in whatever capacity He called you, especially in working with others to spread the gospel like you had done on your mission; your desire to someday have a family and your eagerness to teach them the gospel; your sensitivity towards and enjoyment of beautiful literature (particularly Shakespeare) and nature. I remember you said there had hardly been a better feeling in your short life as that produced by the opportunity you had to make a meal from the food grown in your own garden. Something about being close to the earth brought you nearer to God and other people. You offered to take me home and as I ran outside to tell my girlfriend I had another ride, I jumped up and down and shouted, “ I found him, I found him! He’s the one!”
We spent as much time as possible together before I had to leave for college. We went to the Los Angeles Temple Visitor’s Center with a girlfriend of mine who was investigating the church, and you bought her a copy of A Marvelous Work and A Wonder by Le Grand Richards. You came over for Family Home Evening, gave the lesson, and brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums. We went to see “Romeo and Juliet” and the beauty of the deep passion and powerful words so moved you, you wept probably the only man in the whole theatre who did, and were unashamed.
You proudly showed me your garden. The tender tops of radishes and carrots were sprouting up in green profusion. There were a few weeds that needed to be pulled you said, but it was coming along pretty well. I remember how you wanted to be completely honest with me and so told me about a rather serious mistake you made over a year ago with a girl you had been going with. It was hard for you to talk and I watched a tear roll down your cheek. I loved you and forgave you with all my heart. We prayed together, usually going into my father’s study after a date and kneeling by the couch holding hands. I had never felt such intense joy or sweet peace as I did being with you, especially in these precious unforgettable moments. We read each other’s patriarchal blessings and thrilled to see how similar both of them were. We shared our inner space and shyly told the other of our love and special feelings of rightness about the other. We wanted so much for our relationship to be an uplifting, exalting one, and we vowed to be very careful about the way we acted around each other.
While I was away at school we were both going to pray and read the scriptures daily, and you would go to the temple as much as possible. You came all the way up to see me at school for a few days and stayed a whole week. Remember when we drove up through Provo Canyon to have a picnic? That was the happiest time of my entire life. The hills were beginning to blush and turn a burnished gold; everything was radiant because we were. We held hands and dreamed of our future together. You said you loved me and of all things you wanted most in life, I was at the top. I believed you, trusted you, and loved you with all my heart.
A month passed anxiously, and I didn’t hear from you. Then came a very short, one side of the page letter. You had been too busy with your paint business to think about writing at all. You hadn’t gone anywhere with anyone but your sister since you last saw me. I was a good girl and had helped you out a lot by just being around you, but I was up in Utah among all the good Mormons and going my way while you were working at home among the Gentiles and going your way. You signed it, “Work hard, Brad.” I didn’t understand I was confused and hurt. The next two weeks were hell until I finally was able to go home and confront you.
I was surprised that you didn’t seem to mind coming by the house and talking. You followed me into the study and I shut the door. At my request, we kneeled in prayer by the couch and you gave it. This time we did not hold hands and the space between us was awkward. Your words were sweet, but they washed over me; there was no spirit carried with them to touch my heart. It was like watching a man get up to speak, seeing his mouth move, and hearing no words, or consuming a luscious banquet and walking away still hungry.
You sat in the rocking chair, leaned you head against the wooden back, and watched me coolly beneath your eyelashes, while I squirmed uncomfortably on the edge of a padded chair across from you. We looked at each other a minute, embarrassed, not knowing what to say. I plunged in and began, then periodically asked questions and commented while you did most of the talking. I stared at you, blinking, with my eyebrows knit together. You were pleasant to watch as you spoke freely and unconcerned in a calm, matter of fact way, but your words shocked me and your manner, attitude, and spirit disturbed me considerably. Was this the same man that had so captivated my heart a little while ago?
You woke up one day you said, and discovered you didn’t feel the same about me any more. Yes, you agreed that meant you must not have ever really loved or wanted me. You admitted you were afraid of man-woman relationship. You were afraid of being hurt, blowing it, or being stuck with the wrong girl. No, you were not going to do anything about trying to make sure you wouldn’t blow it. Women were silly and you had nothing in common with them. They should all be married and have children, you said. But as for you: you wanted no part of them or marriage. You had made up your mind when you were very little that you did not want any affection from anybody. (I heard you speak earlier of a certain religion teacher on campus that had been your mission president and you gave your opinion that he was effeminate. I wonder, my dear Brad, what your idea of a man is?) You would not date, and didn’t like having your emotions dependent on another individual. You wanted to be your own man, master of your own destiny. Maybe if everyone rode your back hard enough and since you can’t get anywhere in this church or the celestial kingdom without a wife you might go out and grab someone when you reached about thirty or so. Yes, you felt sorry for whomever you grabbed, but that’s just tough. Life is too exciting and you have too much you want to do. You really wouldn’t mind being a hermit except that you would miss people and you needed them, they made you happy. Anyway, all you cared about right now was getting this business venture of yours successful. No you weren’t doing it for money. You still slept on the floor and ate only one meal a day. You had moved out of the house into an apartment with a friend and while did not mention it I knew that your garden lay neglected at home, the weeds choking and strangling what little life was left. You just wanted to help other men by giving them jobs, and once the business was successful you could leave and they would be able to carry on, enjoying the benefits of your labors for several years. (I wonder, my dear Brad, if you really believe helping a person achieve economically is going to truly make them better off and bring them happiness in life.) You were going to do in life exactly what you wanted to do you said, and no one was going to persuade you differently. (You have this obsession about your implacable will and being able to accomplish whatever you make up your mind to.) You shrugged. Yes, you supposed it was pride. If going to the celestial kingdom meant you couldn’t do what you wanted to do in life, you guessed you really didn’t want to go. Like you got involved with that girl over a year ago, you did that because you wanted to. You were going to do anything you made up your mind to. Anyway, you were a good member of the church. The reason you didn’t have a job was because you were too transient; you’re here one minute and somewhere else the next. When you got to be a Bishop someday though, you were going to have the best ward in the church. (You made becoming a Bishop should like rising up in the military ranks, and leading a ward sound like running a corporation. I wonder, my dear Brad, how you ever expect to be called to such a position with your present attitude, closed-minded arrogance, and unwillingness to change or follow anybody? Well, it was getting late, you said. You were very tired and you thought it was time to go.
While you were talking I had been rooted in my chair, my eyes fixed on you in a kind of fascinated trance. Your image and the colors had gradually faded away until I sat looking at the pale form with small dark holes for eyes and a black rag for hair. The form had seemed a little transparent and it was as though I weren’t seeing you there at all. It was as if I were looking at your spirit. It was a strange sensation and I had to repress a shiver. The weird feeling stayed with me even as I stood and looked at the door that shut behind you for a long time. Finally I shook my head and said over and over, “he’s crazy, he’s really crazy.”
Your words and the feeling I had listening to you speak, have haunted me ever since. I don’t know why, but that experience was like suddenly coming upon your garden and discovering the once green and tender life choked and dying, strangled by weeds.
Chris
(Written as part of a BYU class assignment on goals)
I am really beginning to internalize the concept of being influenced by others before being able to influence them. I have a very close friend going to school here from Sweden. He's Lutheran and this is his first semester. He feels very strongly about taking good care of your physical body and taught health in the Swedish schools. I find that by letting him influence me in those areas of physical health - he is more receptive then to my influence and personal testimony of the church. Because I am changing to ideals that are important to him - he is gradually becoming receptive to my ideals. I run with him every day at the field house - or I exercise at night before I go to bed and I tell him the next day. I eat more fresh fruits and less deserts. We both try to get seven hours sleep and encourage each other. He in turn has begun coming to church with me Sunday and family home evenings. (his own family) and even went to the fireside completely o his own last Sunday. Since I and his other friend had dates. He has begun blessing his food at every meal and I believe prays every night and morning. Occasionally he reads little pamphlets or talks I give him and he has shown an interest in the gospel. He is so pleased with my desire to be influenced and taught by him to do what he likes - that he wants to be influenced and is more willing to be taught by me. We're really grown close to each other and I can sense and unconsciousness desire to become on in our ideals. I certainly intend to keep up my exercise and good eating habits. The real clincher is going to be this Monday when I go with his family group to the Salt Lake Visitors Center. I'm going to prepare this weekend, fast that day and bear my testimony to him, of how much this gospel means to me and the truthfulness of this church. I believe it will gave a profound affect upon him.
Last Monday we went Roller Skating. Neither of us is very good, but I am atrocious. He skated backwards in front of me, holding my hands, and told me to fall on him when I lost balance so I wouldn't hurt myself. Can you imagine so much trust? I could hardly believe it. More than anything I didn't want to fall, because then he would too. Also I had to keep an eye out for him so he wouldn't bump into anything. This situation seemed to me an analogy of the delicate balance between me and those around me. both members and non members.